


Dysphoria

by ReesieReads



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Background Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Background Morality | Patton Sanders, Body Dysphoria, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Genderfluid Character, Genderfluid Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Hurt/Comfort, Nonbinary Logic | Logan Sanders, Trans Male Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Trans Male Character, Trans Male Deceit | Janus Sanders
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-25
Updated: 2020-05-25
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:06:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24366280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ReesieReads/pseuds/ReesieReads
Summary: Remus hates his body, and he hates that the feeling isn't even permanent. Desperate for relief from his debilitating dysphoria, he calls upon his friends for comfort.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 104





	Dysphoria

**Author's Note:**

> This is a fic I wrote while dealing with horrible dysphoria, and it is admittedly a bit of projection so the characters may seem a little ooc. I wanted to post this though so I hope it isn't to bad!
> 
> (I also didn't re-read or edit so Im sorry if there are mistakes!)

Remus absoulty hated his body.

That is, he did at this specific moment. Dysphoria seemed to have its own schedule, and it always seemed to pick the worst possible moments. It was only made worse by the fact that he knew it didn't mean anything, he would be fine with being Rema in mere hours and nothing would change. The crippling heaviness in his chest would go away for a few days and he would be regular old Rema.

Right now though, he was sitting in his bed desperately trying not to cry. Roman was sleeping on the bottom bunk beneath him and Remus didn't want to wake him up, especially when he hadn't even told Roman he was Genderfluid. He didn't know if his brother would understand, and he didn't want to lose his only not asshole family member just because he was frustrated with having boobs at the moment.

His hair was burning into his neck, it was just so fucking long. Sure, he knew boys could have long hair but it just... felt wrong. He felt wrong. Remus' skin felt like it was on fire and his eyes watered as he hugged his knees to his chest. His boobs were so fucking heavy and normally he didn't notice them but god did he now. The space between his legs felt so empty, and his frame was do curvy. He cursed his family for passing down those stupid hips and big boobs down to him, something he knew most girls would kill for and he would gladly give them if he could.

Could he chop the boobs off himself? That would be a bloody mess, but maybe it would make him feel better. Or maybe Remus would chop off someones dick and tape it on himself, then he could ignore the horrible empty feeling there. He could chop off all his horrible hair and die it bright green and it would be amazing.

That wouldn't fix anything though.

It wouldn't fix anything because it wasn't just physical. Sure his skin was burning, but his ears were ringing to. The name Rema felt suffocating, like he was swallowing poisonous air everytime he so much as thought about it. Being called 'she' or 'her' was a less painful, but the sting was still there, the hopeless emptiness in his chest. Being called 'pretty' or 'beautiful' was the worst though, and the thought brought tears to his eyes. He heard those compliments every. single. fucking. day. The ache was almost always there, girl days were few so the compliments just didn't hold as.. compliments. If anything, Remus saw them as insults even if that wasn't the intention.

Remus' bottom lip wobbled and he bit down on it as hard as he could. The metallic taste of blood flooded onto his tounge and he couldn't help but feel the small feeling of satisfaction that always came when he tasted blood. Remus was almost tempted to dig his nails until his skin until he bled, just to get that feeling again. He knew he couldn't though, self-harm was bad even for him, and Virgil had made a pact with him that neither of them would ever do it.

The thought of Virgil sent an idea through Remus' head, and he immediately uncoiled. The discomfort was still roaring strong, but he forced himself to focus on getting to his stupid phone. He crawled over to the end of his bunk as slowly as possible, trying desperately to not shake the bed. Both him and Roman were deep sleepers but he didn't want to take that chance. Leaning down over the bed to grab his charging phone was a torturous experience, his boobs only becoming more noticeable when they were pulled down by the weight of gravity. Choking down a sob he unplugged his phone and crawled back to his pillow.

Wrapping his bright green blanket around him he turned on his phone. The screen burned his eyes and he blinked against the bright light as he typed in his password. First order of business was turning his brightness down, second was going onto Discord. Remus had been on the app excessively, aloung with Roman to talk to their friends. Quarintine was a hellscape for the two extroverts, and Discord had been acting as their savior for months. Clicking onto the chat with just Logan, Virgil, and Janus he took a deep breath and started typing.

The Trans Vibes Club <3

TheTrashRat: You ever with you could chop off your boobs and steal someones dick?

It wasn't exactly what Janus would call 'subtle' but Remus had never been one for subtlety. He couldn't help but feel an explosion of nerves as soon as he sent the message though. What if they weren't awake? What if this was one of the rare nights that Patton had finally convinced everyone to sleep? What if they didn't believe the Genderfluid thing or told him he wasn't valid because he fluctuated? Sure he had told them he was Genderfluid, but he hadn't explained it. Plus, what if they didn't vibe with his name change or pronouns because it would be to much of a hassle? He hadn't had the guts to mention the changing thing, even when it hurt. He had never had such bad dysphoria before this moment now though, and he was getting desperate.

EmoNightmare: Mood

EmoNightmare: You good though?

Logan'sLowdown: I don't experience those exact wishes, however Virgil and Janus have made it obvious that dysphoria is extremely unpleasent. So as Virgil put it, "you good?"

Janusthesnakus: scale of 1 to 10 how bad is it? 1 being im ok just a little uncomfortable to 10 being im gonna rip my skin off

TheTrashRat: I'd say a good ol 10, this shit is suffocating as all hell

EmoNightmare: yikes, that rough

EmoNightmare: and thats mostly your territoy Jan, I never get higher then like a 6

Logan'sLowdown: I agree with Virgil that you may be the most helpful Janus, however I know dysphoria is also different for everyone. I have almost none other then my pronouns and deadname, while Virgil's seems to be more about worrying if he's faking it or convincing himself that he isn't a boy when he indeed is, and Janus' is far more physical

EmoNightmare: Aw thanks Lo

JanustheSnakus: True enough, Rema how is your dysphoria affecting you exactly?

Remus' stomach sunk as he read over the name and he fought himself to not take it personally. It wasn't Janus fault that he hadn't told them anything, he hadn't meant to hurt him. He wasn't exactly sure how to respond though, how to put the feeling in his chest to words. Roman had always been more of the writer, Remus always preferred art more.

TheTrashRat: Idk Its suffocating? Like everything feels wrong, my body, my name, my hair, just everything feels wrong

JanustheSnakus: oh shit im sorry-

EmoNightmare: ouch

Logan'sLowdown: Do you want us to call you by something else? 

TheTrashRat: idk I mean its just gonna change so whats the point? As much as I like annoying you guys I don't want to be a burden

EmoNightmare: no no no, that shit isn't a burden, and neither are you

JanustheSnakus: We aren't going to be annoyed with you for asking to be comfortable. So what if they change? What if one day your a girl and one day your a boy? Your still you. A name doesn't change anything.

Logan'sLowdown: Janus is right, we don't mind changing pronouns or names to make you more comfortable. You aren't being a burden by simply being who you are.

EmoNightmare: so do you want us to cal you something elsr?

EmoNightmare: srry can't spell-

TheTrashRat: Could you call me Remus?

TheTrashRat: and maybe use he/him for now?

Logan'sLowdown: Of course Remus, its no problem

Remus felt himself smile as he read the name over and over in his head. Remus, he was Remus, and now his friends knew it. A giddy feeling grew in his stomach and he struggled not to laugh in relief. They accepted him, and they were calling him Remus, and it was amazing! Sure, that feeling in his chest was still there but it felt lighter then it had before.

EmoNightmare: Nice name to

TheTrashRat: thanks I chose it myself! XD

JanustheSnakus: did you actually choose a name that foiled Roman's?

TheTrashRat: mmmaaayyybbbeeee?

EmoNightmare: Roman's gonna be pissed XD

His stomach flipped at the thought, would his brother be angry at him for the name? Remus figured Roman would probably be accepting of him being Genderfluid, he was accepting of Virgil and Janus being trans and Logan being Non-binary afterall, but would the name bother him? Admittedly he had chosen the name some what because it matched his brother, he liked the idea of annoying Roman and pressing forward the whole 'twin' thing even more. 'Remus' also just felt right though, and while he could take an annoyed Roman he couldn't take an angry Roman. Remus didn't want to give up the name just because his brother didn't like it, but he was willing to if it really botherd Roman that much.

TheTrashRat: do you think so?

Logan'sLowdown: I doubt Roman will be genuinely angry, he may pretend to be but I highly doubt he will be upset

EmoNightmare: Yeah I was just joking around, Princey isn't the kind of guy to get pissy about a name, annoyed sure but not pissy

JanustheSnakus: do you plan on telling Roman and Patton anytime soon, or do you want us to keep it a secret?

Remus set his phone down, scratching his upper lip as he thought. He supposed he could at least tell Patton, there wasn't likely any risk there. Patton was supportive of Logan, Virgil, and Janus, and he was gay himself so really Remus shouldn't be worried. The same could be said for Roman to, and part of Remus was ashamed that he hadn't even told his brother before his other friends. Would Roman be mad he hadn't said anything?

TheTrashRat: not yet, I'll do it soon but not now

Logan'sLowdown: Theres no rush, we understand

EmoNightmare: Yeah, for awhile Janus was the only one who knew I was trans before I told everyone else You can choose whenever you want to come out

JanustheSnakus: The choice is yours Remus, and im grateful you chose to trust us with that

EmoNightmare: yeah, we love you man

TheTrashRat: love you guys to

Logan'sLowdown: while I also share the sentiment, I highly suggest we go to sleep 

JanustheSnakus: Logan's right, but ily guys too

EmoNightmare: alright fine, night guys

TheTrashRat: night! Make sure to let the bed bugs bite!

EmoNightmare: sick-

JanustheSnakus: night guys

Logan'sLowdown: good night

As the others went offline Remus smiled to himself. It wasn't much, only three people, but it was a start. To three people he was currently Remus, and if he was Rema tomorrow that was okay. God, it felt so good to know that it wad ok, that his friends weren't going to judge him. He would tell Patton and Roman soon, but for now, just telling Janus, Logan, and Virgil was fine. He was happy, and thats all that mattered.


End file.
